The Bachelor Finale

It was almost like watching a baby seal getting clubbed to death. Poor Chantal. She just didn’t see it coming.

The Bachelor Finale opened with a family re-union in stunning Cape Town, South Africa. Brad’s two brothers, their wives ( one wife was wearing some heavy artillery expensive jewellery I noticed) and Brad’s mom. Why was everybody crying? Didn’t these people just see each a month or so ago? It was a bit dramatic, to say the least. But it was nice to see Brad’s twin brother. Chad actually gave us a glimpse as to what Brad would look like without all the botox injections.  Chad/ Brad even had the same voice- eerie.
Okay, I nearly choked up my red wine when Brad’s mom, said “We were all apprehensive about the girl we were going to meet because of the hurt he went through the first time, because we lived it.” The hurt HE went through???”
Brad was no innocent victim, mom.
Question: Can we just put the booze down during a Bachelor/ Bachelorette/ Bachelor Pad episode for FIVE SECONDS???
Anyhoo, well, it didn’t take this team of super sleuths too long to deduce that Brad was madly in love with Emily. Really though, did we have to spring it on the family that Emily’s husband was killed in a plane crash? How crappy did the one brother feel who asked, “ So what did your husband do?”
Uhm, he DIED. Thanks for asking A-hole.
After that, it was just uncomfortable watching Chantal throw herself at Brad as he tried to dodge her advances.  You could almost see him thinking, “One more night, one more night.” What wasn’t Chantal getting?  And who wears a scuba suit with a push up bra when they go shark diving??
At this point the producers are panicking because there is still an hour left of the show to fill and Brad has already declared his undying love for Emily to his family. So what do the producers do? They create drama.  ‘Emily, quickly, can you just nag Brad to death about parenthood?’
CUT TO: Brad’s final date with Emily. Brad’s the only person in Bachelor history who sweats more than Roberto as Emily goes on and on and on creating cockamamie scenarios about raising a child, “You know it’s not going to be perfect all the time. It’s not always going to be sunshine and lollipops.  What if you’re on vacation and suddenly, you’re child is abducted by Mexican rebels and you have to go to the Mexican Embassy at 3 o’clock in the morning and there’s no one there and you have to wait around and…..
At this point, Volcanic Hot Head Brad probably goes from uncomfortable sweating to throwing a tv set threw the hotel window and screaming ‘ Way to kill the romantic buzz    biatch!!”
BUT producers edit that part out.
CUT TO:  Ridiculous chatter with slithery engagement ring dude whom Brad has kept in business for a couple of seasons. Could there be any more shameless product endorsement?
CUT TO: The Big Proposal
It was almost unbearable. Loser Limo rolls up and poor Chantal steps onto the ice float. Don’t do it!!!
One last desperate chance, Chantal declares her love for Brad only to have Brad pull a club from behind his back and crush her dreams of happily ever after on national tv.
Ouch, that was awful to watch.
QUESTION: How come on the Bachelor when someone is crying with a half a pound of make-up rolling down their face, there’s never any Kleenex available? Are the limo driver’s arms broken?  Let the victim limp away with some dignity.
After producers wipe up the blood, Winner Limo with Emily.
Brad declares his undying love for Emily in probably one of the most touching proposal scenes in Bachelor history. ( I wonder if he really wrote that.)
Of course, it helps, that Emily and Brad and both stunning.
They look like they stepped out of Y & R. I was half expecting Mrs. Chancellor to step up and offer her congratulations.
KISS KISS LOVE LOVE
CUT TO: After the Final Rose
Chantal meets Brad and drags out the torture by practically getting Brad to admit, “Look, I needed to pick two people and you were the second person. Haven’t you seen the show before?”
Then out of nowhere, Chris blurts out that Chantal has fallen in love with someone.
Who? The limo driver who took her back to the airport in Cape Town?
Chris Harrison then has to drag three couples out of Bachelor moth balls to give Emily and Brad a pep talk.
Roberto, Ali, Jason, Molly, Trista and Ryan all offer their contractually obligated advice
( Ryan was and still is an absolute doll. How reality tv found him, I don’t know. He offered some very sweet advice about hanging in there and I’m sure given a bit more time, he would have thrown a Shamu poem in for old time’s sake)
Does it surprise us that Brad and Emily are already on the rocks? No.
This is the Bachelor after all.
Emily saw what we saw week after week. Brad is as cute as a Ken doll but in a scary way,   he’s capable of regurgitating the same lines to anybody, anyone.
Any risk of showing an emotion? No problem. Get another injection.
Oh ya, then there’s that anger management issue.
How many times did Brad bristle anytime one of the girls disagreed with him?
Did you see Brad flinch when Emily mentioned that he had a bad temper?
Emily is no fool. She is keeping Brad on a short leash. After everything he’s put everyone else through- he kind of deserves it 😉